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Transgender and other gender identities

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Transgender support ManchesterWritten by Marianne Oakes

Gender identity does not start and finish with female and male, boy and girl or even man and woman. No, gender is an expression of who we are as a person in our environment and in the wider world. Generally speaking, our gender identity is assigned to us at birth and for most, this dovetails nicely with their sense of self. However, for some people the assigned gender does not always match how they see themselves in the world. For some it is a fluid state, where they express themselves as feminine and masculine, others it is a need to move from one fixed state to another. Wherever you are on the gender scale, not ‘fitting’ your assigned gender can be a lonely and emotionally painful experience.

To experience the incongruence of being perceived as one gender and experiencing feeling of another can be difficult to explain. Talking to a counsellor can facilitate the process of self-discovery, who are you really, what are your actual needs and wants. Having the space to express how you feel, using the words that feel are right for you, can help you to untangle the confusion that can surround your gender identity. Counselling is a safe place where what you say is confidential and will not be judged and you will be treated with positive regard.

Transgender support Wilmslow

Wherever you are on your gender journey counselling can be a welcome source of support eg;

  • Dealing with the realisation that you have a gender identity issue, working through your feelings.
  • Accepting your gender identity, whatever it may be.
  • Learning to live with the whole you, weather this means transitioning from one gender to another, or being fluid in your gender identities.
  • Coming out, who are you coming out too and why?
  • And what next?

All of these and more can be difficult to navigate on your own, and trying to do so can cause mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, low self esteem.

Let’s do this together

Accepting you need help can be daunting on its own, so once you realise that this is the case that you would like support, finding a counsellor who can truly understand and empathise with you is so important. My experience of growing up with gender identity issues and finally realising I am transgender has given me a unique insight in to the feelings and emotions attached to gender related problems. I can understand the fear and the confusion, the dilemmas that we go through on our journey through life.

Please, if you feel that I could be of help and support, please contact me and start/continue your journey to a more stable you.

How Can Psychotherapy And Counselling Help You?

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Psychotherapy in ManchesterMany of us are inclined to quash our feelings down, to repress emotion rather than express it. Studies show that this can have a negative impact on your body — those who repress are more likely to have high blood pressure (which is connected or many other conditions including stress) and be more agitated and tense. To help begin to express your emotions, and talk through your problems, many turn to psychotherapy.

What is psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy allows us to talk through our repressed emotions and problems with a qualified therapist. This therapist could meet you alone, with your partner or spouse, or in a small group, depending on your preference and how you think you will benefit most. Your therapist will help you to talk through your problems, listen, and with time, help you to overcome them by using established and tested scientific methods.

When should you begin to consider psychotherapy?

You should consider psychotherapy if;

• you are having a tough time trying to deal with emotional trauma

• you have excessive levels of stress and/or worry a lot

• you have problems that reoccur and don’t seem to go away

• your existing mental health condition is causing you problems

• your actions begin to harm others around you

• you feel a sadness over a long period of time

Remember, your friends and family are the people who know you best, so they are good indicators of whether you would benefit from help.

Unlike the drugs which may be prescribed as an alternative to psychotherapy, there are no negative side-effects of talking to a professional about your problems. On top of this, there is a much smaller chance of relapse

How can psychotherapy help you?

Psychotherapy can help you to treat issues relating to life crises — this could range from a death in the family, an illness to yourself or someone close to you, to unemployment or substance abuse. Psychotherapy is beneficial in these instances as the help and advice you receive is specific to yourself: everyone’s problems are unique, and a psychotherapist will see the unique guidance you need to overcome these problems.

Psychotherapy could also help you to develop new methods of dealing with issues which play huge parts in many people’s lives, such as stress and anxiety. Your sessions will help to equip you with the tools you need to overcome problems you may encounter in the future.

Psychotherapy can also help if you have a mental health condition, such as depression. Your therapist will help you to pinpoint the cause of your depression, and help you to develop techniques to combat your depression.

If you have pre-existing conditions like obsessive compulsive disorder, a CBT therapist can help you to live easier with your condition.

Psychotherapy can help you to overcome issues around sexuality — if you are unsure about your sexuality, or are having difficulty coming to terms with your sexuality, a therapist can talk through your qualms and help you to move past your difficulty.

Why psychotherapy over other methods of dealing with problems?

Unlike the drugs which may be prescribed as an alternative to psychotherapy, there are no negative side-effects of talking to a professional about your problems. On top of this, there is a much smaller chance of relapse, and a much more permanent solution to be found in psychotherapy — prescription drugs are more of a stopgap solution which often have negative side-effects. For example, antidepressants have been shown only to be around 50-65% effective, and have side-effects including nausea and insomnia.

Still not sure?

If there is still something putting you off talking to a therapist and need further convincing, you could talk to someone you know who has attended therapy sessions. Ask them about their experiences, and more often than not they will show you that many of your ideas about psychotherapy are misconceptions.  Ask them to explain to you how they benefited from their experience.

If you think you could benefit from psychotherapy, please get in touch with us at The Affinity Centre today.

 

10 Ways To Control Your Anger

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anger management manchester

Anger is perfectly natural, as long as it’s not excessive

Each week we look at one of the common psychotherapy issues, explaining how you can regain control your emotions and use them constructively. This week we’re looking at anger, another perfectly natural emotion and very much a part of being human.

Anger is pretty straight-forward: something happens that makes you angry, you express your anger and then move on. But when you display excessive anger or cannot move on, this can be a sign of a mental health issue.

Many people say they feel ‘out of control’ when experiencing excessive anger, as if they are standing behind themselves watching and unable to stop what’s happening. Frequent anger-attacks or prolonged periods in a tense state can be damaging to both your health and your relationships, to help regain control – it can be useful to learn your triggers.

Know your triggers

The easiest way to learn what sets you off is to keep a diary about the times you have felt angry. Once the anger has passed, you’ve calmed down and can think rationally, ask yourself:

• What was going on at the time?
• Did someone do or say something?
• How did that make you feel?
• What was your reaction?
• How did you feel about it all once you’ve calmed down?

Do this over a period of time and you may see patterns emerging, sometimes simply knowing what makes you angry can help you stop feeling so tense.

Look out for warning signs

If you are struggling to pinpoint your triggers then try to recognise the physiological signals of anger, such as:

– A rush of adrenaline
– Quicker breathing
– You become tense
– Your heart beats faster

If you can program yourself to spot these signs then you’ll give yourself time to consider your reaction to a given situation. The more control you gain over anger the more you can live a normal life, keep your relationships healthy and your feelings positive. So, here’s…

10 ways to keep anger at healthy levels:

1. Count to 11

If you can feel the adrenaline rushing and heart rate quickening then count to 11 before you react, 11 is odd so you’re more likely to remember to do it and it’ll give you time to cool down.

2. Breathe slowly

Your breathing will quicken when you become angry, so slow it down – breathe out longer than you breathe in and relax on the exhale.

3. Take care of yourself

The saying goes – ‘healthy body, healthy mind’ so get enough sleep, eat nutritious foods and make time for your kind of relaxation. Remember: drugs and alcohol lower inhibitions, which can worsen anger, so avoid them if you’re serious about helping yourself.

4. Paint

Or write, compose, dance, whatever you like doing that’s creative – it will help you feel less tense and can reduce feelings of anger.

5. Open up

Get a different perspective on your triggers from a friend, discussing your feelings can really help you understand opportunities for change.

6. Speak only when calm

Speaking in anger can upset people and make a situation worse; it can feed anger in others and cause longer-lasting damage to relationships. If you can give yourself time to calm down, you’ll be able to express your frustration in a clear, non-confrontational way and are more likely to resolve the situation peacefully.

7. Have a laugh

Humour helps you get a more balanced perspective and ensures you don’t take yourself too seriously. For example; when your mother-in-law messes with your sock draw for the umpteenth time after being asked not to, just imagine her drawing up a plan, wearing a ninja suit and slightly rearranging your socks, before sneaking off and laughing like a Disney cartoon villain while sitting in a Dr Evil chair.

The truth is, she’s probably just on autopilot trying to help out and humour can help you realise this.

Just remember that humour doesn’t mean laughing off your problems or getting a laugh at someone else’s expense.

8. Change your thinking

Try not to use definite words such as ‘always’ or ‘never’, for example: “She’s always doing it” or “He never remembers things”. These words compound your negative feelings and suggest there’s no way of solving the problem, they’re also rarely accurate and can hurt people’s feelings.

9. Let Forgiveness be your reaction

When your anger rises, you’ll be filled with negative feelings and bitterness – turn your back on these emotions and instead forgive the person that has angered you. It’s empowering. Discuss what happened and learn from the situation.

10: Know when to seek help

Learning to control anger alone can be very difficult and if you’re struggling to manage your anger then you may want to consider seeking professional help. Here at the Affinity Centre we can help you identify your triggers; know when you’re becoming angry and learn how to respond in a healthy, controlled way.

To get in touch and discuss your anger with an expert in a completely confidential environment, call us on 01625 529 099. You can arrange an appointment at our Wilmslow Centre at a time that’s convenient for you.

Read the book:  Anger Management For Dummies* by Gillian Bloxham gives constructive ways of dealing with anger and reviews how therapy can help.

*affiliate link.

Dealing With Jealousy

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jealousy issues ManchesterI have lot’s of experience with jealousy.  It’s the issue that brought me into therapy nearly twenty years ago.  I wrote a blog post  about jealously a couple of years ago (which you can read here) and that has resulted in many individuals with jealousy issues seeking me out to work with me.  I have to say, in the vast majority of cases I have been successful at helping them let their jealousy go.

How will I help you to drop the jealousy?

Working out when it happens

The first thing we will do is sit down and have a chat about how your jealousy is manifesting itself.  Do you react more at certain times than others?  Is it when your partner goes out that the issue arises?  Maybe it has something to do with you having one too many in the pub before the green eyed monster rears its ugly head.

Working out why it happens

Next, we will talk together about the beliefs you hold about yourself in relation to your partner.  It’s not uncommon for people with jealousy issues to think little of themselves.  Many have no idea why their partner would want to be with them in the first place.  This was certainly the case for me.  I believed that my partner was just waiting to find someone better than me as there was not much for her to like about me.  Therapy helped me with that hugely, it can help you too.

Family stuff

Tackling this negative self talk can take a while and will probably involve looking at where it came from in the first place, so talking through your family history will probably be necessary as part of this process.

Feeling different

Dealing with jealousy is doable.  You don’t have to live with it.  Once you have worked with me on the issue my hope is that you will be feeling different about your relationship with your partner.  Interestingly, this can change the relationship in lots of ways and we may need to spend some time talking through how to deal with whatever comes up as the dynamic between you changes.

Want to get started?

If you have issues with jealousy and you are fed up of it ruining your relationships and causing them to break down then why not give me a call and let’s do something about it.

It’s time you and your little green eyed friend parted company so you can have close, intimate relationships without the stress, anxiety and anger that jealousy causes.  Give me a ring at the centre on 01625 529099 or use the contact form to get in touch.

I beat jealousy and I’ve helped many others do the same.  Now it’s your turn if you’re ready.

Read the book:  Jealousy: Why it Happens and How to Overcome It (affiliate link) by Dr. Paul Hauk.

 

Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Counselling

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gay, lesbian and bisexual counselling manchesterHaving counselling is a personal and profound event in the lives of the people who undergo this journey.  What you want from your counsellor  is someone who understands where you’ve come from and can make sense of the social context in which you live.

Be taken account of

Being gay, lesbian or bisexual is just another difference that is brought into the mix, but it is important that your sexuality is taken account of.  Gay, lesbian and bisexual individuals may have experienced oppression and had to live with the stigma that society puts on anyone who is different.  Having a therapist or counsellor who “gets” this and who can offer you the emotional and psychological support to deal with this can be an empowering and reaffirming experience.

Some common issues

I have worked with gay, lesbian and bisexual clients for many years.  Sometimes the issues brought to therapy are around sexuality.  It could be that the individual needs support coming out to their family or need to process what happened to them in their childhood around their sexuality.  I have helped individuals work out whether they are gay and explored with others what that means.

Gay Affirmative Therapy

More often than not the issues brought into therapy have nothing to do with sexuality at all, but it’s important for the client to know that I accept them wholly and fully as they are so they can talk about their partners or their relationship issues knowing that their therapist is gay affirmative.

Take action now

If you are gay, lesbian or bisexual and you are looking for an understanding and supportive therapist why not give the centre a ring?  You can either work with me (Ian, trained by Pink Therapy) or a female member of The Affinity Centre team if that suits you better.  Just ring 01625 529099 for an appointment or use our contact form.

Anxiety Uncovered – Causes, Symptoms and Treatment (plus some science)

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anxiety psychotherapist manchester

Butterflies taken up residence in your stomach? Prolonged periods of anxiety can be damaging and debilitating – spot the signs.

This week we’re looking at anxiety – a perfectly natural and important part of our life. Anxiety is a basic reaction to a fearful situation, it floods our muscles with glucose and enhances our focus. The idea is: you’re about to be attacked by a sabre-tooth tiger and your body is preparing itself for fight or flight.

So, anxiety isn’t a bad guy, but as with most things in life; too much of something is never good. Excessive anxiety can expose your body to prolonged periods of chemical imbalance, causing psychological issues such as an inability to cope with stress. It can stifle learning and make decision-making a nightmare, it can also stop you from living a normal and healthy life.

The difference between anxiety and stress

Knowing whether you have chronic anxiety can be tricky and it’s often mistaken for stress, but they are two very different issues…

Anxiety is a psychological state involving apprehension, distress, or uneasiness in response to fear or a threat.

Stress is the pressure or strain experienced when one thing exerts force on another, such as a work deadline – this can have physical and mental implications.

Anxiety plays a very useful role in protecting us from threats. But when those threats are perceived (irrational) or the anxiety is ongoing (chronic) it can be extremely harmful if not treated. The same can be said for depression and stress, both are perfectly natural but can become unhealthy if felt for more than a couple of weeks.

Anxiety is the most common form of mental issue in the UK, affecting 1 in 20 adults

If you think you may have unhealthy or chronic anxiety, you’re not alone. Anxiety is the most common form of mental issue in the UK, affecting 1 in 20 adults according to the NHS. Sufferers often struggle to make a distinction between real fear and irrational fear, they find anxiety difficult to control and their ability stay calm can be poor.

Symptoms of anxiety

The symptoms of anxiety can be both psychological and physiological, providing an important opportunity for you to recognise that you may be suffering.

Common physical symptoms include:

  • Increased heart rate
  • Hyperventilation (over breathing)
  • Dizziness
  • Wanting to use the toilet more often
  • Dry mouth
  • Palpitations

Psychological symptoms of anxiety can take the form of thoughts and altered perceptions, including:

  • Thinking that you might die
  • Feeling that people are watching you and your anxiety
  • You feel detached from the people around you
  • Thinking that you may have a serious illness or ailment
  • Thinking that you may lose control at ant moment

The science bit – What’s happening in my body when I’m anxious?

When you face a fear or threat, your hypothalamus fires up. This is the part of your brain responsible for keeping your need for basic life-requirements consistent, such as hunger, warmth and sleep.

Your hypothalamus reacts to try to maintain balance and its main weapon is the hormone cortisol. Cortisol temporarily puts systems such as organs and the immune system ‘on hold’ and gives extra energy (glucose) to the body/brain to help manage the situation and deal with the immediate crisis.

When the threat has passed (the sabre-tooth didn’t see you), the body returns to normal and cortisol is either reabsorbed or dispersed. This is where the problem can be for sufferers – if anxiety continues for prolonged periods of time, cortisol overstays it’s welcome and can have a damaging effect, mainly on the storing of memories our emotional responses.

Causes of anxiety

As a Psychotherapist in Wilmslow and Manchester, I see a lot of different causes of anxiety and each individual’s circumstances are as unique as their finger print. Anxiety can be the legacy of a distressing incident from your past that you were unable to emotionally deal with at the time, it can be a product of your upbringing; poor diet, drug misuse and even exhaustion.

A common cause of anxiety is the fear of losing control, which can lead to fearing the symptoms of anxiety and a vicious circle where you feel anxious because you dread feeling the symptoms of anxiety.

I have prolonged anxiety, what can I do?

If you believe you are suffering from chronic anxiety then you should seek trusted help and a diagnosis. Visit your GP or a qualified Psychotherapist and discuss your symptoms, we offer anxiety therapy at our centre in Wilmslow, Cheshire. In the mean time, there are steps you can take to help reduce your anxiety levels:

  • Intense and prolonged periods of exercise
  • Get some real relaxation
  • Learn breathing exercises to help with panic attacks
  • Distraction techniques (get a hobby)
  • Assertiveness training
  • Eat healthily and sleep well
  • Communicate your problems with friends and family

Most of these are good practice anyway, whether you suffer from prolonged anxiety or not and should leave you feeling healthier, more balanced and better placed to face your fears.

Psychotherapy and counselling for anxiety

Psychotherapy is most widely recommended treatment for anxiety and comes in different forms, allowing your Psychotherapist to tailor your treatment to your personal situation and needs. Group therapy, counselling, applied relaxation and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) are all available, with the aim of helping you to regain control, face your fears and banish anxiety from your life.

If you think you may suffer from anxiety and want to discuss any symptoms, you can talk to your GP or to a member of our team. They will be able to assess you on your individual symptoms in complete confidence and offer expert psychotherapy. Simply call the Affinity Centre on 01625 529 099 for a chat about how we can help you.

And remember: At the onset of anxiety, try telling yourself that you’ve been here before and it will pass – keep calm and you’ll get through it.